Some of our greatest life lessons come out of very difficult times...
It was Valentine’s Day eve. He walked out. I knew that was the last time I’d ever give him the opportunity to walk out on me.
The table was set, candles flickering, bouquet of red roses in a vase with the word “love” inscribed. We were in the middle of cooking dinner.
Steam rising from the pot the potatoes were boiling in, almost ready to be drained then smashed with garlic chunks, sour cream and creamer. The asparagus sautéing in grass fed butter, about to be splashed with fresh squeezed lemon. Lobster tails crisping up in the oven. And he walked out.
“He” was a man I had been with for 6 years. My twin flame. Someone who had been emotionally and physically unavailable to me. Someone who had constantly questioned my love for him. Someone who had repeatedly accused me of cheating or insinuated my infidelity. Someone who I’m sure loved me the best he could, though it wasn’t enough. Someone who revealed my deepest core wounding for me to be able to heal.
I was on FaceTime with my dad who was in the hospital. We had just found out his cancer was back and he subsequently got admitted for a procedure he needed before starting chemo again. I was with him every step of the way in 2015, the first time around with this type of cancer. The person who I was about to celebrate “love” with begrudgingly said hello to my dad on FaceTime then quickly ducked out. In that moment I realized he would never have the confidence or embody the strong masculine energy I desired in my life partner. Without getting into the minor details of the evening, he left. As he always did whenever we would’ve benefited from communicating. The food all still cooking. The reservations for reflexology still pending.
Up until that night, I was terrified. My worst fear was that I never love someone the way I loved him. I feared that I’d be alone forever and never experience any success in my business. I was weak, insecure, addicted to toxic love, emotionally unstable, so dysregulated in my nervous system, confused, and unclear on how to not feel all these things.
Up until that night I was conditioned to put my wants, needs, desires aside for others. I was a people pleaser, taught from a young age that love and abuse could coexist. Having experienced childhood sexual abuse then rape in my teens, I grew up believing that my value was to provide pleasure for men, not at all aware of my own.
Up until that night I excepted crumbs. I was rationed the inconsistent love I was given and I allowed that. I didn’t know how to communicate other than getting defensive, explosive, having my nervous system extremely activated or completely shutting down-fleeing the scene.
Up until that night, I stayed quiet, kept the peace, carried on even after the most disruptive, confusing arguments that would typically end in doors slamming, the silent treatment then me going to social gatherings alone, with my friends asking me where -he- was.
I now know that my inner child was running the show. I was hooked in a love addiction that took me two years to break free from. I desperately wanted to feel seen, heard, loved and validated in my experience on the other side of his emotional unavailability.
I had already put so many broken pieces back together in terms of understanding attachment styles, nervous system regulation, my own trauma-informed healing, setting boundaries, inner child healing, reparenting myself, exploring family systems, soul contracts, karmic ties, and more…hell, I had even written a book about it.
I had been experiencing major cognitive dissonance. How could I, an intelligent, educated woman get caught up in codependency?! Yet, it happened. I was so disconnected from my power, my worth, my purpose despite having been growing my online business for years. I was out of alignment, off course, focused on the wrong things, looking externally when I really needed to turn inward.
It was that night I realized I would never settle again. It was that night I was set free. Finally aware of the patterns and relationship dynamics I grew up with that felt familiar to me. Now realizing they were really toxic, unhealthy and full of self betrayal. That night I set a boundary that I have had the honor of upholding. I still enjoyed the delicious candle lit meal alone. I walked my dog alone (to move my energy and ground myself,) and I went to reflexology alone, enjoying every minute of it because I knew I was done with that dynamic.
What I wanted more than anything was to have a stable, loving companion, to grow together and build an incredibly secure, fun life together. To grow and scale my soul-led business to multiple six figures with the love of my life by my side, to get to build and create a life of greater depth of connection, presence, quality time, emotional availability, love, trust, respect. I realized that could never be possible with that partner. He wasn’t capable.
“People can only meet you as deeply as they’ve met themselves.”~Matt Kahn
It was that night when everything clicked. It all came together. No more cognitive dissonance. I met myself, my soul, my intuition, my spirit guides on a whole other level than I have ever known them all before.
I took back my power others had revoked. I set boundaries, I stood in my worth. Self-love and intuitive guidance ever-present. I knew I’d never accept crumbs or not being a priority again. Across-the-board. This is energetics, so what presents in one area is guaranteed to present in another area. Before going into a meditative state that night in the reflexology chair, I asked my guides to show me what I needed to see. This is something I ask often to guide my understanding of my healing journey.
The missing link was revealed to me and I was forever changed.
The version of me that tolerated love and abuse together died. The version of me that feared I’d never find love again died. The version of me that held back in business, ashamed of this weak version of myself: dead. I am fully expressed and unleashed now! I promised myself that I’d only be available for a healthy, conscious, loving relationship. I promised myself that I’d stay so closely connected to myself that I’d never betray or abandon myself ever again for anyone lover, family, business, no one!
To close the loop on an important mention, my dad passed away two weeks after that Valentine’s Day eve dinner. It was a devastating loss though he was able to die with dignity, a choice he made to pass in the comfort of his own bed with myself and my brother holding his hands as he took his last breath. That was an excruciating event; a story for another time.
One week after my big realization that night (and a week before my beloved dad passed,) the real love of my life re-entered the scene. We have known each other since middle school. He came back to me as a friend, as a rock, as a strong empowered masculine energy I knew I was waiting for. I see the most amazing life and future with him as we are both ready, willing, and able to heal deeply while growing together to experience a healthy, conscious relationship, unlike anything neither of us has had.
A huge part of birthing a new version of yourself is navigating the death of former versions of you. Processing the grief is vital. One of my forte's is guiding you through this experience, lovingly integrating the shattered pieces, finding your way back to wholeness. This creates space for new, abundant, more aligned energy to present itself to you.
My single core message is for you to cultivate a safe space inside yourself to live in soul alignment, feeling fulfilled and connected through meaningful relationships. Enjoying a high frequency lifestyle, high-quality interactions and connections with others, living authentically in your embodied leadership, navigating your entrepreneurial journey. Knowing you no longer have to play small or not live up to your full potential. It’s time to honor your calling and your purpose. Speaking your truth, living intuitively, exploring your sensuality and embodiment all go hand-in-hand with living in alignment with your soul.
Matching up with your true love to experience more meaning, more passion, an incredible depth of connection and to live with intention, co-creating a life beyond your wildest dreams is what this is all about. Success in business is achieved when moving from this grounded version of you, rooted in strength, certainty, calm.
My rebellious nature paves the way for new, innovative styles of living life. Whether it’s in birthing babies or birthing a new version of you, I’m here to hold space for your powerful transformation. I offer transmissions of energy that help keep you on track with your big picture vision. Holding space is my way of helping you learn co-regulation of your nervous system. Being regulated is how you manage your internal energy. Feeling the pit in your stomach, your heart racing, your jaw clenched, shoulders tight, repetitive thoughts…it doesn’t have to be that way. Mastering regulation allows you to shift back to safe and secure more efficiently, with greater ease.
It’s time to awaken your deepest inner knowing and come back home to yourself.
An essential piece of my story is that yoga found me in 1999. This opened the whole world of spirituality to me. I had never known *calm* or *safe* in my body until I practiced yoga. I was embodied in my own healing journey from this point forward.
In 2003 I got my four year degree in psychology. Upon graduation I knew I wanted to help survivors heal from abuse. This desire motivated by my own personal experience with childhood sexual abuse and rape in my teens. In 2005 I welcomed with my first son through a disempowering, borderline traumatic birth. It felt like a re-victimization of sorts, stirring up the sexual abuse and betrayals I had experienced early on in life. I knew that was not a place I wanted to unpack as I navigated motherhood as a stay at home mom. For the birth of my second son in 2007, I was able to take back my power and have an incredibly transformative birth experience, thanks to learning HypnoBirthing and practicing yoga through my pregnancy. I understood somatic healing. I deeply connected to embodiment. It was then I realized I had to teach other mothers how to have an empowering birth experience. I was certified as an energy healer and learned about different modalities in 2009. In 2010 I became a birth doula, taught HypnoBirthing and prenatal yoga.
I dabbled in the online coaching space in 2012 after my divorce from my boy's dad. But at that time, I wasn’t confident or ready for it. I went back to school for nursing in my thirties and became an RN in 2015. I had aspirations of becoming a Certified Nurse Midwife (advanced practice nursing degree) so I could do my part to change the culture of birth until it dawned on me that I really value my sleep and didn’t want it interrupted the rest of my career. A tenet I live by is: "if it's not a f*ck yes, it's a f*ck no!"
I worked as a pediatric palliative care nurse for many years until leaving that emotionally exhausting job to get back to birth and start my online coaching business in 2019.
I knew I was meant for more.
I realize what a unique treasure I am. A unicorn in the personal development field. Combining my background in psychology, yoga (somatic) therapy, energy healing in the form of Reiki, EFT Tapping, decade+ as a professional birth worker offering intuitive doula services, HypnoBirthing, and empowering birth education, NLP (neuro-linguistic programming) to rewire the subconscious mind, owning my psychic, clairsentient abilities, plus being an RN-the most trusted profession in the states makes for some serious magic with my high caliper coaching clients. I now see and fully own the value I bring to the table in love and in entrepreneurship.
And living a life of embodiment, walking the talk of soul alignment from my birthing clients to my coaching clients I walk with them through their own empowerment. Supporting them in reclaiming their power, their authenticity, their birthright, their excellence. Empowerment through regulation. Experiencing life with a balance, flexible nervous system is optimal when you desire to expand into your highest potential.
In addition to the biggest lesson of never settling, I also deeply embody the concepts of putting myself first always.
Learning to put yourself first is not selfish, it is necessary. Who are you living this life for?
This includes speaking your truths and setting appropriate, healthy boundaries. It includes fully embodying self-love, self-worth and self empowerment. It include learning the importance of balancing your own sacred energies and surrounding yourself with others who life you up.
I powerfully healed my relationship with myself. Experiencing deep peace no matter what, my nervous system hella regulated and stable now.
I feel confident, clear, present, empowered, impactful, strong, sensual, alluring and magnetic AF. I anchored into my body and allow myself to be led by intuitive guidance.
I’ve experienced exponential growth in my business, the more connected I’ve become to my message and my impact.
The moral of the story? Soul alignment. Anything you desire? It’s already yours. And I want this for YOU! It’s just a matter of becoming an energetic match to receive it. This is quantum physics, baby!
Even if you have a history of trauma. Even if you have been out of alignment or currently feel off-course. I can help get you to all the right places inside yourself.
The external environment is always a reflection of your internal landscape. And so, that is where we begin.
It is my vision that embodied leaders are stepping forth, knowing they will never settle for less.